We should go out drinking together soon
I'm still not going to have sex with you
I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
he doesnt exactly give off the "im mature enough to use my penis" vibe
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
It was about the point the universe collapsed in on itself and I was a singularity of insanity that I realized I was tripping balls.
Just saw a dude walk out of the parking. Garage in a diaper and tutu. He had a handle in one hand and a toy bow in the other
LOL its 11 am
So now I'm lying here in bed taking notes from Teen Mom... I fucked up
I have a magical vagina and I can't deny it anymore
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
I bet I give better head than any other PTA mom.
There's literally not a single picture of him with a shirt on. I can't talk to him without dislocating my eye balls.
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
Randomize
