She deep throated me and when I woke up she made me pizza. I was full of emotions I started to cry.
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
Dude. 21 days till I'm 21. It's the 21 day countdown. The 25 days of Christmas can suck my dick.
judging from the number of limes and box of kosher salt on the counter therell be 8.5 gallons of tequila drunk this weekend.
sounds about right
Wtf are freshmen gonna think when the first thing they see in a pale 6'4 white kid with a mustache yelling ya man and we be liming in a Trinidadian accent
So this tall girl jumped in our cab and I was like hey I have pics of u on my phone. It wasn't creepy at all
Did i tell you that he's legal and i got his number? Because he's legal and i got his number. THIS BITCH AIN'T GOING TO JAIL YET
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
I used my iced coffee to ice the bump on my head from last night
Coming straight to your house after the flight. If not in Federal Prison for disobeying peanut laws.
I can't. I mean he's hot, but there's really nothing else there
You just said he's hot
NO YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND
I just bought spray paint, a T-shirt, and a box of magnum condoms. The cashier refused to make eye contact! Haha
Dude I love you. So much. Thank u. I'm safea. In allysi lns car. Mine towed. If u loved me ud leand me 500 in the morning. Sleep on it nd let me know.
Is it uncouth to masturbate the night before a gyno appointment?
Randomize
