dude, the summer is killing me. i just woke up cause my balls were stuck to HER leg!
when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
So excited for tonight I might actually pee my pants BEFORE I get blackout
i was able to set 4 alarms to make sure i woke up in time for class but i couldnt take the open beer out of my pocket before i did cartwheels down the hall...
in the past 3 nights i've fucked a millionaire, a drug dealer and a civil engineer... i dont really have a "type" anymore
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
I was like a damn cattle dog, I separated all the sheep, I can wing man for anyone on this campus.
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
wearing the bible to the ABC party, thought you'd appreciate that.
Hay for your next interview you should go in with fake blood on your cloths and tell them you just finished saving a life, then cry
Just peed out a window, not entirely sure it's open. Can't tell. I'll find out in the morning.
I just put on underwear fresh outta the dryer and it's like tiny Angels are giving them warm supportive hugs all over
It kind if looked like a strap-on dressed up for Halloween.
My mother just set me up with the son of the man I fucked last weekend. I could crawl under a rock and die OR I could remember the rules of genetics and hope that JR takes after daddy. Wish me luck...
God damn you Coronavirus! I'm jonesing I got the itch. I would fully satisfy a horse for some Taco Bell or Perkins. God help me I'm going insane but I definitely don't want to get sick.
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