I had a dream last night that we were eating cake at Mercy...hahaha. I'm furious I didn't see you.
Minivans at bars can only lead to bad things.
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
you asked "if this appropriate to take the the bathroom?" while holding up a bottle of vodka when you went to pee.
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
No need to get angry I'm just tryin to get my door back
Bring condoms and burritos. The rest will fall into place
I'm running on 2 hours of sleep. Just spent 6 minutes staring at the back of my hand thinking: "I don't really know this that well"
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
Ok despite the fact that both you and I love dick we could have a great marriage
Do NOT approach him. He has sex with everything. LITERALLY everything, and I DO mean everything. He's so horny we once caught him with his dick in a pumpkin. A legitimate honest to God pumpkin that he bored a hole in
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
I got so pissed i stormed off and threw his burrito on his windshield
Omg I just smoked and it was the end so I basically got resin and death, my throat feels like the twilight vampire description of their thirst for blood
Randomize
