Come to the Burger King. We're waiting for you.
I just cleaned my sheets and decided to do a black light test. My headboard is a masterpiece.
Last night i was so high that i came home and did a taste test of every vitamin water and wrote theyre grade down on paper.
can you come get me at the bar
ill be there in 10 min
can we stop off at build a bear on the way home
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
i think you ate grass..but you refused to open your mouth so we could see..
S.O.S. he's talking about horses and breast feeding.
I was afraid someone would drug test my pants so you set them on fire.
Haha, how do I word that nicely? "You got me to the edge of no return twice and failed to let me orgasm, therefore you owe me chicken nuggets or hot wings. Your decision"
It also means I'm watching porn with mario earphones so i can hear. Possibly the best way to mastrabate EVER
I peed in front of kids, unfortunately
I literally forgot every French word I knew and blurted out “mange moi” so he went down on me like I was some baguette fresh outta the oven!!!! I passed out.
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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