Hey. Did u tell any1 that I use Nuvaring?
Cuz 1 of ur bf's frat bros just asked me if I wanted to "play ring toss later"
the sex was "jacking off to playboy" bad.
the last 2 times weve had drunk sex ive had to get the morning after pill.. he's turning into a real expensive fuck buddy.
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
She was singing my heart will go on into her barf bag. celine aint got shit on her.
im seconds away from chugging that vodka and preforming the surgery on myself.
Important info for allergy season. An orgasm will unblock stuffy sinuses.
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
Laying on my kitchen floor and the lights just got brighter... I just died or there was a power surge. Based on the amount of booze I drink both are possible.
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
i looked at my phone & had a message that said "tell your friend she needs to clean my livingroom, i dont appreciate her trying to turn it into a bubblebath." I give you probs.
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
Basically, I'm sure one day I'll look back on this part of my life and be ashamed....
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
Randomize
