There's a show on bravo about fat people dancing. FAT PEOPLE. DANCING.
This is god's gift to the unemployed.
you are my new fav person for making him do the walk of shame in pink footie pajamas!
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
i'm glad we've gotten to the point in our relationship where I can eat peach rings off your penis.
I was passed out in a dog food bowl tor two hours. Just tapped my dinner beer. I love homecoming.
Oh trust me, i am. It's like magic, but instead of rabbits and doves its orgasms- He just keeps pulling them out of nowhere.
You got into a heated argument about Frankenstein's intelligence while double fisting burritos from taco bell.
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
For once I am not in the mood. My vagina is good with life at the moment.
The apocalypse has arrived.
Is biking from my house to 6th street for liquor pitchers a good idea or a bad idea
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
can we not speak foreign languages when I'm on drugs
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
Randomize
