Yours is on the dinner table...mine is in my underwear drawer.
i dont know why he would complain when i touch him there.
My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
and then you made a playlist that was just "party in the usa" on repeat...
May or may not have just drunkenly opened my christmas presents. Greatly disappointed. Might break up sooner.
just fed a duck at the lake a weed brownie. it hasnt moved in 20 minutes.
Biggest lesson I have learned in college: Drink if you are happy. Drink more if you aren't.
Naturally, I just peed all over the floor. Two guys in front of me looked at me, but i just shrugged. They won't remember either.
You have to keep an eye on her tonight cause you know how she likes to pickpocket people when she's drunk.
AND WHAT FELONIES DID I MISS OUT ON WHILE SLUMBERING!?
We're fucking and Lee Greenwood God Bless the USA comes on and he came. It was the most Roll Tide America moment of my life.
I'm gonna go ahead and say I love our drinking habits but anytime we roundhouse a 750 of Schnapps on the way to a non competitive bowling league we might have problems
Doug will be the one to get my vagina. I don't know when or how but I'm now declaring that it is his. And he better not disappoint.
Last night I had a sex dream about Trudeau, he hasn't even been prime minister for 24 hours
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
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