How young is too young to ask my kid to make me a drink?
Holy shit bill nye is being consulted as an expert on cnn and hes credited as the science guy. What the fuck is the world coming to?
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
This is one of the fundamental differences between you and I. If I found meat in a plastic bag, I wouldn't put it in my mouth.
Definately laid on the floor of the shower this morning drinking the water as it fell on me.
No it's okay, we're just driving to random places with the portable stripper pole and causing a ruckus.
Oh that's normal
Im sorry that my initial plan of you grabbing his dick didnt work out but Im glad you grabbed his heart
The cab driver is now flexing at a red light...
You told me that they girl who was giving you a handjob under the table looked a little like your sister
also somebody did cough syrup and i was really worried but i couldn’t express why properly so i was like MACKLEMORE SAYS NO
also I have no idea whose underpants I'm wearing right now but they're super comfy and I'm not giving them back ever
I know you like got hit by a car but do you want to come to my birthday pardi
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
stupid neighbors doing stupid yard work with their stupid kids when i want to do drugs in the backyard
U wanna come over and watch talidaga nights. Ill make pancakes
What? It's 130 in the morning.
Aww come on i make bomb ass pancakes
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