you remind me of a slightly lless slutty bristol palin
and you remind me of a slightly less retarded levi johnston
i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
I didn't know that people actually queef. Is this a real thing?
I believe so, yes.
Would you be offended if I asked if it has happened to you?
Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
I'm not a pervert.. I just like to be naked...
i just made a "things you cannot forget to do this week just because you're high" list.
This lady in my dui class just asked what patron was. I feel like she doesn't belong here
Well now I have my semen on her headphones
The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.
I just traded ecstasy for trapeze lessons...you in?
You must be buzzed on Miller Lite.. Zen master advice is flowing
I tried to have a quickie with him at the company happy hour. I think I need to quit my job.
Like you haven't hit rock bottom until you have had to throw your own turd out a window
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
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