I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
When you wake up, just ignore the mess in the bathroom. I'll take her home when I'm off work.
Some small part of me hopes I'm on the probationary list because of seeing the Dean at that fetish party.
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
My knees are skinned from sitting on someone's face on concrete
I'm rolling and just noticed that the thread count on these sheets is horrendous.
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
I finished OITNB and broke it off with my fuck buddy in the same day. It's going to be a rough week
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
some kid just came up 2 me bleeding yelling "thats how u riot"
If he thinks I'm canceling my orgy to coddle his stupid fucking behavior, he has another thing coming
When are you getting back?
Well google maps doesn't have an estimated time for crawling... Could be days
Tanner. All u drink. 10 bckaa. Locked in Porto potty outside. Constructed area. Main strrrreeeett. Fuck. Help. Pleese
Randomize
