Just be blunt and say drink from my dick
I feel like my nuva ring should have a vibrating switch.
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
He came on my chin and called me cumbledore. i give up.
I'm handcuffed to your bathroom sink. Save me.
It was awesome explaining why I had a tiger with boxers in my bed, a little bit drunk, to a girl in a pre-sex moment
High school girls are buying me shots. This will not end well.
Whore. There is deli meat in my wallet.
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
When asked if they had been introduced, Damo said "No but I know we've pretty much fucked all the same girls in town"
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
It will be like a scavenger hunt.. only we're looking for places to have sex.
I am one with the molecules
Yeah plus that night got so disgusting it's basically a repressed memory anyway
So today was the first day i've been sober since Wednesday according to my roommate!
Randomize
