I either just heard my neighbors having sex or she really agreed with whatever he was talking about.
i tried to hook up with a mom and then her husband came with num chucks
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
I just had a dream that I was pulling you around downtown on a sled, from bar to bar. Dear lord if we start that there's no hope for us
It's only Tuesday and I just measured and checked to see if my 6'5 Friday booty call will fit in the back of my jeep comfortably.
I asked what you thought of her and you replied not the biggest I have had
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
He's a 30 yr old man who voluntarily goes by Stevie and his job title is "Jumbotron Operator". There's a 97.5% chance he lives in his mom's basement. STOP THIS NOW!!!
he had DANDRUFF in his PUBES. 0/10 would not blow again.
We already gave up cheese, how are we supposed to give up coke?
I sent him nudes while he is at work because I am an evil human being.
Randomize
