You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
we fucked while he was on the clock. He didnt even take off his bullet proof vest. Dont tell me thats not bad ass.
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
Lesson learned. Whipped cream will eat through a condom.
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
Late night whataburger runs are great, except if you're the one that gets left black out drunk puking in the backyard drinking from the water hose
Because it was 5am and I had a shitty mixed drink and I was threatening to put my balls in your face.
Not the worst first impression I've experienced.
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
yeah, never be friends with someone with shitty eyebrows.. they obviously already make poor life choices
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
He corrected my spelling during sexting.
I guess I can check "drink alone in the dark" off my bucket list
as a guy is it bad that even my mom called me easy?
I can't wait to see you & have espresso-fueled sex
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
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