Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
If it wasnt for meatballs I would have fucking killed myself already.
You act like I'm friends with her or something. I only screw her boyfriend!
Oh yeah.
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
when someone at the bar asked you a question all you knew how to say was "chug-a-lug"
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
2 things: 1) can you get hep from toilet water? And 2) do you know where we can get a new skillet for cheap?
Please tell me those aren't related.
I made rice.
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
This snow needs to melt so I can get wasted on someones front lawn
Drunk wound on my leg hast healed and neither has my dignity
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
If I had any lingering questions about my sexuality, the strip club tonight verified I'm 100% gay
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