I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
According to last night if you on the sidewalk at 12 a|m\nYour a WHORE !
I'm not sure where but someone shit somewhere in the house
The night took a downhill turn when he started using a butter knife as a spoon to drink his cosmo
he needs a life. he was like frothing at the mouth to cockblock you
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
The best part about being single is knowing how much everyone secretly creeps behind their gf/bfs back. You wouldn't believe..Have a great date night!
I'm just chillin on the bathroom floor
Haha oh no
The bathroom floor is like my second bedroom on the weekends
I may have been mad at the Supreme Court/patriarchy and tried to hate fuck myself.
once he tried to wake me up from my hangover nap to have sex, that's when things went downhill. he had to go.
Every time you talk about your facial hair I immedately get horny
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
I AM GONNA CUM EVERYWHERE TONIGHT BRO.
Going on a coke binge the night before your appointment with your therapist (to talk about your sex addiction) is prob not the best idea.
Idk she seemed really innocent until she snorted that line of vicodin
Randomize
