And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
Just shot my load on a stink bug. Thought you should know.
The best thing he's ever done for me was comment on my profile picture saying "hello boner"
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
No, not normal drunk. Wake up on a trampoline with a naked chick you've never seen before drunk. I think i missed my first trampoline sex...
He spent $1100 at a strip club. If I had that kind of disposable income, I'd make a cocaine sandcastle.
I'm sorry for not being sorry about whatever shit I did to you when you were annoying and I was drunk. That is all.
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
Drank your wedding present. Sorry
Thanks for reminding me of all the hookups my brain has been trying to suppress...
That's what friends are foooooooor!
Black magic does not go near my vagina, it's a rule
I just bought sparkling water with plan B. I am the most basic bitch to ever exist.
when i saw him today i think my vagina did the equivalent of a stomach growl... its been to long
The party pretty much ended once she shit on the couch
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