At a place where you lie naked on a big pile of pillows and they feed you lobster. You eat it with your bare hands.
i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
Pass out mid-funnel last night.
at what point last night did we decide it was okay to let me hitch hike to another bar?
Yeah we can't find him. He left a note saying he left and isn't that drunk with what appears to be an attempt at the quadratic formula for proof. He also wrote down his number and left his phone by the note
Hide in the closet. if you hear me yell patato salad come out swinging.
I'm mortified. After he finished, he turned to me and said,"So, what did you think of my mom?" WTF Please tell me he was not wondering about that while he was going down on me!!!
Is "when in doubt date the guy with the bigger dick" a good philosophy?
I vaguely remember seeing that couple making out in front of that store and i yelled "I ALSO LOVE THE ROCKY MOUNTAIN SOAP COMPANY!"
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
Walking into class right now and I swear to god I smoked down the substitute teacher we have at a party I went to last week
Was I drunk or did Alex not show up with 100 rainbow Jell-O shots?
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
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