Well the bottom line is that I had to completely coat my testicles in Neosporin.
dude we were making out and she kept singing the americas next top model song. you wanna be on top?
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
Of course I will... FYI I just gave my balls a crew cut.
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
We decided it was acceptable to walk out of class on a quest for Doritos. That high.
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
Just had an hour long talk with a woman, turns out she's the mom of the guy i lost my virginity to. Even better his dog was also present.. Meeting the family at its best?
U know when u get really drunk and u don't think anyone can see what your doing? If I'm that drunk the possibilities are endless
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed...
A true gentleman never tells. But yes, I did indeed get laid last night
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
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