In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
I got to find out the airplane alcohol limit, and somehow I made it through the flight.
He got violent drunk so we have to untie him in the morning. He's in your basement and you're out of electrical tape. Don't forget because I will.
Just saw 1 guy dressed as a cow and another dressed as a shrimp dancing on the side of the road. We're turning around I NEED to dance with them.
If drawing me a picture of his dick in draw something is flirting then he is doing it wrong.
This tiny cat is tiny breathing with her tiny lungs and im having a tiny freak out. Like those lungs have to be super tiny.
I just realized, I'm going to be on my period for the end of the world. FUCK.
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
I'm gonna forget you just shared your personal blowjob aesthetic with me and move on
I just let my boss bend me over his desk and spank me. I think that is some sort of American dream.
So... I may have accidentally just sat on a strip of a home waxing kit.. naked... Assistance is definitely needed....
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
Randomize
