we played lady & the tramp with a hash brown from McDonald's....im in love.
It was annoying to wait 4 hour for him to be inside for 5 seconds.
You put a nerf gun to his head and demanded him to take you to taco bell..
he was persistant. I supposedly owe him a bj from high school.
She put baby oil on her toes and i am not legally allowed to talk about what happened
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
This is what you sent me from the other side of the pool, "Idk but thers a pool n l wanna get naked take off my trunks ill paddle with my dick"
Nah I've been there. The worst you'll see is some hobo peeing in a sewer at 3 am on a Saturday
Idk I've been drinking all day and they're having me blow shit up. Like dont let the drunk chick play with fire and explosives. Common sense 101. I will fuck something up
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
Nah leave him alone, he is at the strip club with his mom.
Randomize
