I just saw a girl wearing a flannel shirt that would make 1992 cringe
he conducted the entire waffle house into singing the song Oklahoma. He was wasted.
It's not my fault I help girls realize they're lesbians.
Covered in gravy. Never pour gravy while drinking.
...he tried to burn down someone's house once. ABORT ABORT ABORT
They're making him take his shirt off cause they think he's the bouncer. We're in his backyard.
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
is there a way to say "yea i broke my wrist cause i fell down some stairs while tripping my face off on acid" without actually saying it?
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
I asked him if we were going to get arrested for doing it in the bar parking lot. "Absolutly not" said the guy getting the blow job...
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
I think it may be easier if I stay drunk/high til the wedding. You game?
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
