I chugged a bottle of robotussein and i ducking saw a blind lady on a purch sewing a shirt! And a tree portal
he said i balance and complete him. i feel sick
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
I needed to do something spontaneous, and since no one had coke this was the next best thing.
Just saw a drunk bitch in the west village peeing on a car. You are not alone.
My nipple piercings are like the guardrails, that's why they feel so safe.
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
You were naked too, so it cancels out. We're straight.
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
I think girls have an advantage in chugging contests. We know how to just open our throats.
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
Naptime over. I've got fresh contacts and tequila. RAAAAAAGE!
I'm not big on drama but you need to put your pants on and leave.
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