That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
he asked me what things i liked that he did in bed, and i told him all the things i hated so he would use it on that new bitch and she wouldnt hook up with him anymore.
you for real need to get over him dude
just found the deal breaker
hairy back?
he can't live within 1000 ft of a school
gonna sleep on the stairs... to drunk to keep going up, way to drunk to go down, gonna find a comfy spot right here... its safer that way
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
You shouted "FUCK SHANIA TWAIN" and then downed an Aquafina bottle of white wine none of us knew how to react
You know our reunion in two weeks shall be a drunken bikini clad magical adventure right
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
I "liked" his changed relationship status just to show him I'm ok with the fact he found someone not as pretty as me
Omg one of the midgets from last night just added me to Facebook.
Last night I had a sex dream about Trudeau, he hasn't even been prime minister for 24 hours
I've been sober for almost two weeks and it's been the worst two weeks ever. Even my mom told me I need to start drinking again.
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
If he has a beard, chances are, that’s an open invitation to sit on his face
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