if you don't start talking to me i'm gonna tell your gf that you said she tastes bad
my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
I wonder what gingers are like in bed...as awkward as their hair or just as unique as it...?
Studying for the exam.. Identifying the portraits using phrases like "large penis"
she went to her friend's wedding and caught the bouquet. as the unwilling rebound, can i run away now?
i was wearing footie pjs. how could there be confusion as to who i hooked up with, thats not something you forget
judging by my wet hair I would guess I showered at the bartenders apt last night?
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
Still alive. Just brushed my teeth with fireball.
I'm eating chocolate cake while this guy snaps me from the gym. Like I cant believe i actually considered getting rid of this cake. Have fun sweating ima eat this cake 👌
As much as I want you to bang someone other than me, he is an asshole.
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
Need to use your shower bro.
FWB wearing glitter again?
It’s like she’s marking her territory
Randomize
