so last night was fun and all.. but you might want to get tested
Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
we went to get a refill in his room and ended up having sex and passing out. then he woke me up with sex and gave me a beer for breakfast. i never want this to end
I'll see ya tonight at your house...and I'm bringing you a special treat that starts with a V and ends with us eventually going to rehab one day.
all i remember is him tryin to explain to the girls how to effectively hit the strip club with their bfs
hes actually pretty persuasive when he drinks
If I ever die and svu has to come to my murder scene make sure they know I don't wear underwear always so it might not be as bad as they think
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
All i remember his him yelling yahtzee while pouring beer down her shirt .
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
call me with an emergency in 5 min. This chick has a strap on hangin behind the bathroom door.
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
As a courtesy going forward if you could not bang in my house that would be nice
I have put on lipstick and signed up for class. Nothing more shall be expected of me today.
Randomize
