Anyone ask you how much a bj cost yet? That shirt is so whorish
I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
There's a stripper banging on the door demanding to see you.
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
Dude, you need to man up. You passed out before a PRESEASON game. It's a long season.
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
Why am I the only one golf clapping for the vomiting girl on the train who just fell of her seat into her own vomit
I wish I cared about making my vagina as presentable as you do.
Besides he said his dick was as big as a loaf of bread and that it was broken. So I was like u have half a head of hair and a broken dick that looks like bread. No thanks. Im good.
They sleep with other people as long as there is no oral. Logic and reason were thrown out the window a long time ago with them.
Do not try to steal a picnic table from a park, all you will end up with are sore arms and broken dreams.
His parents came home, and now I'm hiding in a closet; awaiting death at dawn.
You are always hiding in a closet though??
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
This will never work. His dick is smaller than mine.
Wow. And yours is kind of small.
RIGHT?
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
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