So I just watched the Lakers/Magic game so I could have something to talk about with him after we have sex this time
Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
I'm in new territory... I've never had to convince a guy to let me give him head as an apology.
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
Housekeeping just called to see if we were okay bc they came in the room earlier and we didn't move.
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
Where would I incorporate "your boyfriend fucked the shit out of me last night" before or after Merry Christmas bitch?
And our DD is passed out in the bathtub with the curtain closed. What happened tonight
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
They make twin pack pregnancy tests for girls like us
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
You were discovered in a bush, smoking, and singing "in the jungle" to yourself. Which explains the scratches, but not the orange paint.
I don't think it's a coincidence that the day I just happen to do the splits at the gym I come back with 7 guys' phone numbers.
Randomize
