actually, I'm a sock model
i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
I just made out with a guy for $7.
I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
Di me a solid and hit me with your car.
Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
this is the last time we take the mathletes drinking.
I just reenacted what a cuntadactyl would act like by putting straws in my mouth as teeth and roaring, Plz come get me.
It just hurt to pee because he was fingering for fucking gold in there.
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
I'm almost too old to be on The Real World but feel like I'm too young to be on The Bachelor and I'm just really confused with my place in life.
Nothing $200 worth of strippers and spicy fried chicken couldn't fix.
May the power of my ass compel you!!
Meeting him up for him to pay half of the Plan B was awkward but worth it cause I'm broke as fuck
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
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