oh my god I didn't know your sister was this good at french kissing
highlight of my day: just saw a crying girl get dropped off at home wearing only socks, booty shorts, and a dirty wifebeeter. I wonder what happened to the costume...
we just stared at taco bell's menu on the website for 2 hours
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
How did you get the entire couch up on it's side and into the bathroom?
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
I have a third degree burn on my inner thigh from the blunt dropping on me in the car
I think I'm going to give him a welcome back to single life blow job
if i don't get grease into my system pronto i will undoubtedly die
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
i dont believe you. i want proof. if you end up at a hospital send me a pic.
I miss you and I miss your weed. Come home.
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
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