i hope whoever thought of bagged wine flip cup last night has the same hangover as me. not ok.
and apparently i was drunk enough to follow up with "I'd let me touch your boobs" ... not my best line.
I was literally just a half conscious dildo.
Pitchers of shots should be outlawed. I've puked more than i've breathed in the past half hour.
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
I just figured out how I'm going to tie you to my bed. Hint: I may have to go to the auto parts store before you get here.
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
well if they don't get here soon...no fuck it, I'm going to the strip club.
I need five more minutes of sobbing.. AND THEN I will get back to studying
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
Thanks for reminding me of all the hookups my brain has been trying to suppress...
That's what friends are foooooooor!
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
Randomize
