Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
I love having hate sex.
Oh my god it's like Minesweeper. I can tell there's sex in three of the four rooms, but which one is the safe one?
You were offering to spell people's name for a dollar.
There needs to be a crayon color for how blue my balls are
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
Saw you fall down on Jefferson and a cop drove by and shook his head. How you didnt get arrested after the party you went to on saturday is beyond me.
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
Now in just stoned listening to my dads philosophical idea about public transit
I'm in his bed. I got up to puke. Im one eyeing it eating a hot dog bun. Wtf. This is my life
How was the party
I came home with only one shoe, a t shirt tied around my shoeless foot and I was covered in motor oil. Oh and my shorts were inside out. So you tell me
havent showered in 2 days. just Febrezed my balls in the car before going into a movie alone with a 40 of Guinness.there isn't a word in English for how single I am.
She threw my purse across the room almost broke a lamp and this all started bc she forgot what an air mattress was
Sooo does anyone wanna tell me why I threw up a cigarette this morning?
OMG YOU DID TO?!
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