How drunk are you??
I'm flawless.
dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
I woke up this morning to 4 booty call texts. So i am trying to find the sign that says i like to sit on cocks so that i can take it off.
trust me, i wonder where that sign is on a daily basis.
he wont speak to me right now because i told him it must suck knowing he'll never be as good as edward cullen..idiot.
until he told me my vag was like a juicy apple and he loved eating it, yes, i really did think we were both sober.
Theres a high probability there will be two hot men waiting on you in your bed when you get home for lunch.
I am the worst sexter. i actually told him .. if i had a penis, it would be hard right now. BTW thats a turn off.
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
PLEASE. I won't throw up on the floor this time. Or fuck in the bathroom. Or dance on the pool table. So PLEASE.
Steve watched craig and I have sex from the top level of his cat tower this morning.
You continued to run around saying "free the nipple" while "taste testing" every liquor on the premises.
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
And then I realized my chick friends consist only of sober you, drunk you and hungover you
Dude, he came to our house with a beer can in his hand dressed up in a chicken suit screaming, "free eggs!" then threw up and passed out in the front yard.
Ok, as his sister I didn't tell you this but he's very familiar with pregnancy symptoms. So next time he calls you fat freak him the hell out by asking if your ankles look swollen.
Randomize
