So i had sex for a couple seconds last night
best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
i just had to pick up my 18 year old cousin from the police station for hosting a party, and i had to do this stoned wow
She just asked to come over. She's either going to bring one of her dads guns and kill me or we're going to end up having insane lesbian sex.
If you magically turned into a tall white gay guy, ignore this message. If not, then I'm sure someone has your fb password.
We were fucking and his phone rang and it was his grandma. He just had a conversation with his grandma while fucking me from behind. Then his dad called and asked him what he wanted from taco bell.
It's amazing the amount I can accomplish with a glass of wine in my hand.
Idk man, we spent like 20 mins arguing about the moral ambiguity of fucking in someone else's car
i just woke up to her giving me a toothy BJ so I had to break into your bedroom and steal about 4 condoms. Sorry for waking you. :(
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
Like Is it appropriate to tell your boss you banged a guy in the back of a truck at a wedding? Probably not.
One time she showed me her pierced nipples in our high school locker room and now she has a daughter
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
Sorry for peeing on your books last night. I wouldn't leave them next to the window anymore.
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