I was on top riding him and his friend walks in and watched for a minute before he realized what was going on
RAWRRRR IMA PURPLE DINO
dude i'm sitting right next to you.. stop texting me
you could play connect the dots with the people ive fucked in this room
My friend is getting herself a tramp stamp that says "property of the half blood prince".
There's a girl at 7-11 apologizing for her behavior and asking if she can get her shoes back.
He kept saying that the puke outside the theater wasn't his and it was all a set up to keep him from partying with the whores. Then he passed out on the sidewalk.
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
You can't call dibs 8 years later.
Currently doing my walk of shame down a floating dock. No more guys who live on a boat EVER AGAIN
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
Tell me again your tentative move date. There are 5 Russians in my apartment on ecstasy and they are having a rave in my living room. I can't. I need to move stat
This guy needs to stop asking about my feet
We lost. I'mma go home and drink more and do a face mask and wonder why it is that god put me on this Earth to suffer
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
Randomize
