Umm I'm too high to move.
hey dude i know youre in the next room but me and your sister need a condom, got any i could borrow?
There are thorn wounds on my balls, don't ever question my dedication to party again
how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
To make up for the snow days we missed he's making us write a paper on alcoholism. It's like he knows.
Just so you know, coffee creamer+water does not = milk.
I don't think I own any pants that haven't seen his bedroom floor anymore...
I just found a video on my phone from last night of you yelling, "you can't fuck me!" at least 20 times
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
Hold on. At Sephora trying to decide what despair smells like.
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
Last night I flashed a car full of people my tits for a bag of pretzels so yeah I'd say I was at least tipsy.
Guys, as my favorite vagina consultants I have to share something.
My professional advice is not to put lemons in your lady pocket.
There aren't enough words in the English language to fully describe how worried I am for your dick. And the rest of you, I suppose.
Randomize
