I dont like him- his parents were home and he hid me in his closet like anne frank
it turns out vodka filled condoms arent that funny
LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
THERE WAS A HANDPRINT OF BLOOD ON HIS SHOULDER
Please tell me your aunt didn't see the Brita pitcher full of condom wrappers. We had at least 100.
I'm lost. Please come find me. I'm inside the I-270 circle somewhere. I can hear laughing.
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
I've fallen from my one moral pedestal
Just saw the guy I slept with last night in a bar. He gave me a high five and kept moving
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
Dude she's from Moscow. I feel like I'm cheating on America.
An "unreasonable amount of ejaculate" isn't a reason to be angry at me.
Only real friends lend their restraints to engagedfriends to fool around with married strangers.
I just found a baklava I forgot I got last night so we can call it a day
If u could sum last night up in one word?
omgwtfpineapple
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