jackpot. dress really slutty so he knows you mean business
I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
He was visibly upset that you'd rather eat nachos than have sex with him.
It was awful. Mid hookup he started reading the titles of the books over my bed, which were about Russian imperial history. He then started asking me questions about the class I was reading the books for. I was like "WE HAVE TIME FOR THAT LATER, PLEASE CONTINUE."
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
candyland with pharmaceuticals ... what could go wrong
I just found out who gave her jelly shots. You owe me a new mattress.
I hooked up with a guy dressed up as morning wood. Needless to say he lived up to his costume.
I feel like one thing if I have going for me is that my bed looks like a nice place to have sex
I know I'm going to throw up tonight it's just a matter of when and where
I'm just blindly tossing my dick into whatever comes my way.
I woke up in a limo in long Island, Ny this morning. Talk about a black out
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
Randomize
