we got blazed and looked up peoples criminal records
Stalkers don't have time for showers...it's a full time job
you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
She came over with Guinness cupcakes, a case of Mickeys, wearing an Ireland flag & nothing else.
I'm so pissed my boobs hit the emergency stop button during my workout
He wouldn't give me a cup of water for my bong so i sat in the drive thru to run up the timer until he gave it to me.
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
WE SHOULD FUCK TWO GUYS THAT LIVE TOGETHER
THAT WOULD BE SO CONVENIENT WE COULD CARPOOL
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
He said he wanted to start giving out "sex souvenirs". I got a poster with a penguin on it.
Now that I'm sober, I'm realizing you put your name in my phone as "wowww"
I am not a slut. I'm just very open with how much I love to have sex. Stop judging.
She moaned the name on my fake id during sex, that or she's cheating on me with someone named Victor
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
I need an outfit for the bar tmrw that reads I have daddy issues and would like a fancy sugar daddy.
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