Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
His mom just described him as a manipulative, deceitful bastard -- oddly I still want him
That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again
I think she must be bulimic. I mean, every time I see her I know i want to throw up.
you wanted the guy to gift wrap the condoms
Next time we throw a party together I would appreciate it if you didn't try to get my friends to hook up with friends of yours you know have herpes
I flossed his teeth and then we had sex in the bathroom. It just seemed like a good idea.
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
Please come quick there are people in suits here judging me
Somehow I ended up in a different costume dancing with some tree of a guy in the basement bathroom, what did you give me?
Sangria Flip Cup was probably one of our worse drunken decisions
I just want to have sex that doesn't end like a B-rated horror movie.
Is it weird that sometimes I like to have sex for the health benefits and workout more than the pleasure
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
Randomize
