I am full of burrito and curiosity
im at that stage where all she has to do is cough or something and it pisses me off
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
my desire to fuck abstract ideas (bravery, love, popsicls,,) increases by 8bajillion% when I'm high
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
He's the kind you'd bring home and you'd wake up and all your food would be half eaten on the kitchen floor and all your socks would be missing.
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
I have a diplomatic trade for you. My pants for your rum. Tomorrow?
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
Long story short I'm making an I'm sorry card for a girl I dont remember having sex with
So last night I turned down multiple drinks because "I didn't want to hold them". It's time reevaluate my decisions
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
I am drunk and aggressive about the olympixs
It's spelled Olympics
my lips are numb and my face feels like a pool. PENGUINSSSSSS
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