i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
he fingered my asshole thinking it was my vag...I couldn't bring myself to tell him, mostly from shame for me and pity for him
Do you remember trying to eat gravel when we were walking back to the dorm?
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
I need to find more Xanax, my Grandpa doesent leave for another week and he's made it a mission to get me to come out of the closet as a xmas gift to my parents.
i love when the champions come out to play im bringin the shock collar this weekend
Still stoned. I like your bong. It can stay. No others, though.
One does not fall in love, one falls flat on the their face after leaving a bar
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
Ryan. I woke up. At the neighbors house. And by the neighbors. I mean the ones to the north. The ones that hate us. Please call me. I am so confused and you are gone
At the neighbors house?! Like in it or outside???
In it on the fucking couch. No idea how i got here.
Dude, don't beat around the bush. We're fucked and you know it.
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
Idk... I'm not sure why anyone would use a flesh light in general. Let alone hook it up to a wifi device.
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Randomize
