When she said "surprise me" I'm positive she didn't mean "bang my roommate"
Prob not but she was surprised
You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
Just rented the SCUBA equipment. Meet me at the pool to test the underwater beer bong idea.
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
That was like a fiery explosion of flailing arms and wonderful passion
Why do I have a bunch of cash....and your bra.
How the fuck can he download so much porn but not know how to find the Skype app?
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
I was going to try being motivated today. But then I took a hit while still in bed.
Maybe why that's why I'm perpetually single... I can't find a guy with bigger balls than mine.
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
Currently having to re-watch episodes of Lost that I've only partially seen because you distracted me with your vagina
Randomize
