she has a tiny mouth but huuuge vocal chords
I just woke up in the coolest sweatsuit i have ever seen..it has cory's name on the tag...do we know a cory?
Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
I want to have a prehistoric party. By that, I mean I want to dress up as a dinosaur and get drunk. That's all I want in life.
I would feel bad sleeping with her unless all of her personalities were on board with it.
Waking up with a sore back because you put the team on it for jager pong all night
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
Bake him heart shaped cookies?!? Send him a picture of your tits like an ADULT!
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
Trying to ignore the fact that a kid I hooked up with twice just gave me spare keys to his house ... and car.
I got stoned and explored ice caves with a guy who photographs dildos for a living. I win.
Mom is talking about dicks with her friends in the living room. I am 5 seconds away from scaling the bathroom window out of here.
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
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