Spring semester is just not the same w/o you
Are you missing anything? I found a wedding ring in my bed this morning.....
I just remembered we said the Lord's Prayer before we went out last night.
But why is there no point in liking him? Does he have herpes? Is he married? Is he gay? Did he get his penis chopped off in a freak accident? If the answer is no to all of the above, then he is fair game
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
My chin is breaking out a bit and feels all itchy and burny like I'm allergic to something. Are you using a new lotion on your balls?
I don't see how I managed to fuck up so much shit in an hour and a half..
Surely the maintenance men have seen worse than that condom right
Please send pictures of any nice new years ladies you run across in town, as I've forgotten what women look like.
What's clit gel and why is it in my wallet.
Im not sure if the cops that just came are strippers or actually cops
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
Randomize
