lets hang out tonight and do stupid stuff.
Dating you for 6 months was stupid enough. But thanks.
There's some strange man with hair that keeps talking to us. I'm scared.
This is how horror movies start. Going to bar with strange hair guy. He's paying. Bad idea?
Ditched hair man. Got free cab ride to market. Want food. I win.
I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
It was all fun and games until Tim shit on the end table
Wednesday. Otherwise known, to you at least, as "there are two gay men in my bed" day.
The trip involved octopus tentacles coming from the little holes in my TV's speakers. The beauty of the nonexistant symbolism had me in tears.
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
Just found the last picture of me as a virgin. Framed it.
Then you better bring Starbucks and a box of condoms in the morning.
Oh shit. This is getting real.
if i cared i wouldnt have woken you up by pouring a bottle of soy sauce on you.
is that what this stuff is?
We both know we're cheating on one another. But our side pieces aren't as kinky as us...so yeah, we're still together. This is a fucked up relationship.
All I know is that I got to have an orgasm yesterday during sex so nobody can put a damper on my day, NOBODYYYYYY
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
Just waxed 95% of the hair off my vag. If he doesn't enjoy this tonight, you will, whether you like it or not.
Randomize
