Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
Oh and then this old man who saw it happen goes "don't do that"
Hahaha what a helpful old man. Like you thought it was normal to be spilling gas everywhere.
either my laughing turned him on, or he wanted to shut me up. either way, i dont care. it was amazing.
i need you to babysit me first week back at school. havent had tequila, adderal, or sex w randoms in 3 months
Oddly enough when I decided to stop whoreing myself out... I lost most of my companionship.
I can feel the alcohol in my calves
one of them held the wheel while the other one changed her pants. while driving. on the thruway. what
A guy with no shirt on and a eyepatch just got out of the car beside me. After he slammed his door into mine. This is our hometown.
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
Why were you eating a hot dog in the bathroom at 230 am?
My roommate was sleeping, I thought it would be rude
do you remember in the middle of fleeing from the cops you stopped in the middle of the road to make out with quail man?
In the middle of our bar crawl last night we stopped to pet dogs at a dog park. who would let a drunk person bet play with their dog???
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
About to throw up, bathroom line up, Bro sees me. Yells, 'PUKER GET OUT OF WAY' THEY ALL PARTED WAY THREW ME INTO A STALL AND CHEERED AS I THREW UP INTO THE TOILET. we are going back
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