its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
I'm going to shit on something weird... I can't wait
we need to go to the store. i'm tired of having bud light for breakfast.
do you want me to pick up budweiser instead?
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
I just had one of those moments where i was really sad that i'll never get to be asian.
i did the responsible thing and pissed myself...
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
Don't they also have a lot of serious head injuries?
I didn't say I wanted to marry one of them. Or that I want one to perform surgery on me. I just want to have hot, dirty, MMA style sex.
No, just kidding. But your faith in me to throw a lesbian bridal shower makes me think I an pull it off. To the LGBT bar!
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
So you broke your ribs while fucking? Dude you just got about 25% hotter.
Sorry again for almost setting you on fire.
Randomize
