Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
You were asking people if they could pee on you while you shotgunned beers
Me liking this guy is the best diet ever. Do I want this cookie...or do I want to get laid.
The world would have a new energy source if someone would just take a blacklight to the backseat of that slut's car
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
He poured the shots. We did them together. I cheersd him out of the shower
I think im gonna bang this 35 year old at a kids birthday party in the bathroom at this house while the kids open the presents.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
The best part of my day was getting high in the parking lot of the movie theater and taking pics in the photo booth with the caption "CONGRATULATIONS!" we geeked out because it congratulated us for getting high
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
Wanna smoke some ancient weed I just found in a box of cake mix?
An d I'd rather cry while putting a waffle in my mouth than cry on my pillow, ya feel me?
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
Met a beautiful Irishman two nights in a row. I may never come back.
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