Boobs. All I remember is boobs.
this is never going to happen for me, I think he thinks I'm crazy
well you did scream "PLEASE! I'LL S YOUR D IN FRONT OF EVERYONE"
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
No He hasn't done that since the time he came in his own eye
Something's wrong. Everything's on fire. Unless it was like that before. Then everything's alright.
I stole a fireplace last night.
I wish I was a power ranger. Also the universe is immense. Like it never ends. Never.
Stop sending me pictures of you naked. This violates the friend zone agreement.
when I called the strip club they said there was a note with my credit card. "girl who punched guy in throat" fuck daytona
I called you daddy and let you stick things in my butt, I am a damn 11.
on a campus of 30,000 people, i should not be able to see every single guy I've ever hooked up with at one party.
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
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