this girl literally referred to her butthole as her "back pussy"
I was just about to go down on her when she gave herself a "smell check" and said "no, not today".
Everything was going good until she wanted to update her status...You forgot to close pterodactyl porn from this morning. Clothes went back on.
we fucked to don't stop believing. most epic sex EVER.
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
I can't tell which way is up. Too many corners around his house too. An arbitary assimilation of edges.
Christ, I swear you are the high man's Dr. Seuss.
Well I'm drunk and covered in baby oil so tonights not ideal
The girl in the stall next to me is puking her brains out, I'd say she had just a good a weekend as us
I gave her some alkaseltzer ad she looked at me lke I was god
Why is my vagina being sacrificed for yours? I'm sure he would take a piece of you too. Your turn.
I know he's gay. But if he touches my vagina I'm human centipeding his face. Sorry not sorry
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
like I'd leave you in a situation like that..pfft. what kinda friend do you think I am?
...a stoned one.
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
Can we just take a minute to acknowledge that you're drinking with your gay ex boyfriend's DAD who is a DEACON??
Randomize
