im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
Canada: barely better than America at a sport they invented.
I cant leave dude. theres a horse with a top hat on
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
if I could send you my dick right now I would. that's how good of a friend I am.
i'm having taco bell mild sauce and tums for breakfast because i'm hungover and thats all i can find. it's like thanksgiving up in here
i wish i had a super power and that that super power was shooting out mdma from my fingertips or something
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
So this whole chlamydia situation totally puts a damper on my back to school sex schedule, there's just no way of knowing who of them was the perpetrator... Time for new candidates
100 proof captain the only man who can make me strip during a snowstorm
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
so I guess I made a note in my phone last night to remind myself not to do shrooms on the cruise ship
Remember when I got punched in the face on NYE last year? I don't
Did u puke in a church parking lot? And go to the wrong funeral yesterday? Lol
Randomize
